The princess and the Beast
For Jonathan and Lucy
Sometimes it begins with “Once upon a time”, and sometimes it begins with “This happened in the days before your grandmother was a girl” and sometimes it’s in a land far, far away, in the neverwhen, but none of that matters. What matters is that there was a girl — a princess —and a Beast. And the girl had two sisters, as they always do, and the sisters were close to each other, but not to the princess, and she was sad and lonely and cunning, as is the way of things. And she thought she was ugly, and she thought poorly of herself and she thought that cunning was her only gift, and she did not see her own kindness, to the animals and to others, and she often thought herself spiteful, as is also the way of things, because after all, nobody’s perfect.
As for the Beast, well, he had two half-brothers, as people in stories like this do, and he was as ferocious as he was kind, and as harsh as he was loving, and as clever as he was sweet.
Every day, the Beast met the Princess. “Buongiourno, principessa,” said the Beast, every time he saw her, for he was a very polite Beast. The Princess never knew quite what to say to the Beast, for she didn’t know the polite word for Beast in his language, and she thought that calling him bête was somehow wrong. But every day, she grew to love the Beast more and more, and she wished that he would take her to live with him, even though she was scared of what that might mean. And she noticed that the Beast sometimes groaned with pain, and she thought: I know what I can do to show my love for the Beast! And she scritched him behind the ears and she rubbed his back and she stroked his belly until he growled deep in his throat with the pleasure of it.
And the Beast was pleased and knew that she loved him and they were happy.
Soon, the Beast started to woo the Princess. He left her flowers and chocolates and serenaded her with wonderful music. And the Princess clapped with delight. And the Princess said: What can I do to make you happy, my darling Beast? I’ll do anything you ask!
And the Beast said: Anything?
And the Princess said: Yes, anything.
And the Beast said: I want you to be happy. I want you to take long walks, and pamper yourself and take joy in the world.
And the Princess said: Ask me anything, but don’t ask me that.
And the Beast was sad and confused, and he went away to think.
And eventually, the Beast came back to the Princess and he said: I think this is all just semantics. I love you.
And she said: No, no. Don’t you understand? Language is magical in these places, it changes things. It’s like mirrors. You have to be careful with mirrors in these places.
And she said: I’ve been through this before. There was this woman, this jaguar-woman, with ice-blue eyes that glinted, and she took me into her cave in the forests in the heat of summer, and she wooed me, and she made love to me in that heat with her jaguar eyes and her jaguar skin and her beads around her neck. And she taught me pleasures I knew nothing of, and in the morning she wrapped bracelets around my wrists and said: you’re the one, we’re married now, this is the way we marry in my tribe. And I was scared and I ran. And she offered me calm and peace and had an inner light that glowed, and I ran. And when I went looking for her she had melted back into the forest.
And the Beast said: Why are you telling me this?
And the Princess said: Because I’m scared. Because the truth is that happiness is inside me, not outside. Because you’re right. Because I’m kind of attached to the dust and the grime and sweeping out this hearth, actually.
And the Beast laughed at her, kindly, gently, and wrapped her up in his big paws, and scritched her ever so carefully with his sharp claws, and rocked her.
And that very evening, the Princess went for a long walk, and went home and soaked in a long bath with St John’s Wort and other herbs, and pampered herself, and the Beast was pleased with her.
Did they live happily ever after? Well, in some versions of the story. But this one ends in the Russian way: I was there at their wedding and I drank mead and wine, but it ran down my moustache and did not go into my mouth.